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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..6789101112..596Next> |
#297776 (1809/2025) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<DevXen> seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. |
#39108 (1777/4035) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* Uziel calls in the goats to feed on their corpses. =D
arcane: mmmm goats
* Vukk shoots the goats and has a feast
Uziel: DAMN YOU GOAT SLAUGHTERING SON OF A BITCH.
Uziel: I will summon forth the corpses of your female ancestors and chain you to their bones.
Uziel: forcing you to drink goat blood by the gallon from their rotten not-really-existent cunts
Uziel: while I scatter the ashes of the goats you have killed
Uziel: over your naked, helpless body, as it's whipped, lashed, and beaten bloody
Uziel: sending the pain of those goats you have disgraced, down your spine.
* Orionis slaps Vukk around with Windows Me
* Orionis threatens Uziel with the Windows ME
* Uziel bows
Uziel: Hails to thee who makes the true definition of pain abundant in our knowledge. =X
arcane: hail! |
#33 (1753/3986) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
[17:05] *** D1 sets mode: +o C-Rock
<D1> oh wait, I was trying to kick you. |
#62638 (1750/2132) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@mr_white> i think my friend has ADD
<@mr_white> turn up at his house today
<@mr_white> he answers teh door with the left side of his face clean shaved
<@mr_white> and the right side has a beard
<@mr_white> and the chin is just stubble
<@mr_white> turns out he was shaving
<@mr_white> and mid-shave he needs a piss
<@mr_white> so he takes a leak then leaves
<@mr_white> forgets to finish the shave
<t0ks> rofl
<@mr_white> that's not the best part
<@mr_white> when i turned up it was 5pm
<@mr_white> he'd shaved at 11am
<@mr_white> and he'd been out to town etc during this 6 hour gap |
#97707 (1747/2187) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Austin> Outlook suggests "Mozilla Firefox" be spelled "Melissa Firebox."
<Austin> Melissa Firebox is a GREAT porn star name.
<aaron> especially a red head
<pthree> definitely |
#296712 (1740/1938) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Xyzyxx> Random fact, I kinda dislike internet-based communications like irc and forums because while I'm typing my response to something, 13 other people have responded
<so|crates> type faster?
<taiga> Type..
<taiga> yeah. |
#139874 (1735/2179) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Stueh> So you know how I started working at an all girls school?
<Stueh> Well
<Stueh> I had to see the school nurse for a checkup, as they's due at the start of term
<Stueh> She started asking me all these questions and putting it down on this form
<Stueh> and she goes "How tall are you?" and I reply "Limp or erect?"
<Stueh> She just grinned and said "limp please" so I said 178cm, then she raised an eyebrow and gigled, then asked "erect?" and I said "About 1 foot taller"
<Stueh> Then this horrified look just comes across her face, and I'm wondering, well, why is she so horrified if she edged me on?
<Stueh> Then I realised she's looking behind me... I turn around, and there's this group of year 11 students
<Stueh> I'm like "I'm talking about my height" and this one, with a big grin, goes "You grow a foot when you get a boner?"
<Stueh> "Yes I do and no you can't."
<Stueh> The nurse looked like she was going to fucking kill me XD |
#90780 (1732/2176) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Elixir> my mother tried to ground me
<Elixir> for farting when we had company
<Elixir> i'm like
<Elixir> "i'm 20"
<Elixir> CONVERSATION FUCKING OVER
<randumb> i think you lost that one
<randumb> you farted when company was over while you lived with your mom at age 20
<randumb> and you almost got groundedComment: #machogang on popn.cjb.net:4400
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#8102 (1731/2399) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<glome> Who me?!
<content> Yes you!
<glome> Couldn't be!
<content> Then WHO?!!
<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch) |
#32580 (1719/2255) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@JB> Then had your hard drive exorcised?
<@ThunderClaw> I actually did that once.
<@ThunderClaw> It was a dare.
<@ThunderClaw> I was living in Nebraska,
<@ThunderClaw> and I got called down the street to a particularly computer-illiterate neighbor.
<@ThunderClaw> My buddy Matt dared me to take a look at the computer and deem it infested with demons.
<@ThunderClaw> So I went down there,
<@ThunderClaw> took a look at it (I don't even remember what was wrong),
<@ThunderClaw> and told her that demons had come from the darker regions of Africa and infested her computer.
<@ThunderClaw> SHE BOUGHT IT.
<@ThunderClaw> I took a glass of water,
<@ThunderClaw> blessed it,
<@ThunderClaw> and drew the sign of the cross on her computer a few times,
<@ThunderClaw> and said,
<@ThunderClaw> "IN THE NAME OF LORD JESUS CHRIST, OUR SAVIOR, I COMMAND THEE TO LEAVE THIS WOMAN'S SILICON ABODE AND RETURN TO THE DEPTHS FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!!"
<@ThunderClaw> She paid me 20 bucks and I left.Comment: #voices/darkmyst
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#294961 (1712/2130) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
[jenna] *hsus: hey i got a question
Rask: yes
[jenna] *hsus: i thought hawaii was like, warm? and alaska was like cold? so how is that since they're right beside each other?
Rask: is this a real question
[jenna] *hsus: yeah, why?
[jenna] *hsus: ive always wondered that.
Rask: like are you being serious
[jenna] *hsus: like sarah palin was always like ohh alaska is cold i shoot moose and i can see russia...
[jenna] *hsus: but then hawaii is all like warm and shit with little chubby chicks belly dancing.
Rask: worldmap
[jenna] *hsus: so i was like, they're so close together, how is the... uhm, climate or w/e so different?
Rask: see where hawaii is?
Rask: see that part off canada that says USA?
Rask: thats alaska.
Rask: its like, six thousand miles away from here
[jenna] *hsus: oh god.
[jenna] *hsus: this is like that time i thought new england was like a... place beside england... kinda like new mexico and mexico... but new england is really a bunch of states.
[jenna] *hsus: everytime they're on a map they're right beside eachother though
Rask: you should probably spend awhile staring at this map
[jenna] *hsus: That bitch is lying ,you cant see russia from alaska, not possible.
[jenna] *hsus: unless it wraps around or something?
Rask: are you saying the world is flat
[jenna] *hsus: wait so do you like have the same president we do?
[jenna] *hsus: no. i mean i think its round.
Rask: this is a joke right
[jenna] *hsus: dude. i quit school.
[jenna] *hsus: wtf do you think
Rask: in 2nd grade?
[jenna] *hsus: uhhh, we dont have map studying in school anymoree
Rask: the world is round yes |
#10626 (1711/2081) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<CompuMan> The tragedy of Canada is they could have had British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French technology. |
#105985 (1707/2237) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Dio> Was it Jimi Hendrix who said "if I make a mistake, I just keep repeating it, then it's not a mistake any more"?
<Karg> Might well have been Bill Gates. |
#101511 (1707/2573) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Cherokee> In other news:
<Cherokee> An African-American Congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
<Slayden> What about Slaynisha?
<Cherokee> She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that people on the street can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks didn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
<Cherokee> I can hear it now... A weatherman on the gulf coast saying...
<Cherokee> Wazzup, mutha-fuckas! Her-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo' ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
<Cherokee> Bitch be a category fo' !
<Cherokee> So grab yo' chirren, yo' Hos, be leavin' yo' crib, and head fo' da nearess guv'mint office fo' yo
<Cherokee> FREE shit! |
#295480 (1701/1901) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Tenor> 'Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML'
<@Tenor> I'm going to be that type of parent
<@hsimah> who would have sex with you? |
#5304 (1696/2321) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<pdksh> jesus h christ
<pdksh> 'i got tired of that screensaver on that other computer so i turned it off'
<pdksh> my sister hard-shutdown my bsd box.
<pdksh> in the middle of a kernel compile.
<pdksh> not to mention that the little blinky light on the hub was annoying her
<pdksh> so she pulled out that wire too
<pdksh> ...
<pdksh> and she managed to rip a wire pair out of the wire.
<pdksh> yet she wants to be a cs major in college.
<dmaster-> I would beat her into a coma
<pdksh> dmaster-: im about to. either that or change her aim password so she jumps off a bridge.
<bob354> pdksh: haha a cs major?
<pdksh> bob354: yeah... 'i like to surf the internet and chat on aim to all my friends all the time so im good with computers and im good at that microsoft wordart. mom said i should go to computer school like you!' |
#302091 (1693/1845) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
PH: Note to car companies. Don't put "Best in class" and "In a class of it's own" in the same commercial. |
#2767 (1692/3070) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
*** civicsi was kicked by Raegen (KK: go away jason)
civicsi is jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net * Jason Preston
civicsi on #cars
civicsi using irc2.lightning.net Toca's Miracle
civicsi End of /WHOIS list.
*** civicsi (jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #cars
<civicsi> uhhh
<civicsi> HOW DID YOU GET MY NAME?
<Tokae> we are l33t
<Darn> haha he hacked you
<KK> shutup jason
<civicsi> how did you do that?
<Tokae> you will be fuct over jason if you act out of line.
<KK> Mr Preston
<civicsi> I hope you know that I have logs of all hacking attempts
<civicsi> and I WILL forward them to the DOJ |
#299054 (1681/1861) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> COME HERE
<Aforwolf> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING FANTASTIC
<kinganna> ?
<Aforwolf> if we speak in a code
<Aforwolf> where we change every letter to the next letter of the alphabet
<Aforwolf> anna becomes
<Aforwolf> boob
<kinganna> I think we should stop being friends. |
#146700 (1639/2133) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Tigerlilley> Well, this isn't a full sex story but it was still pretty embarrasing:
<Tigerlilley> I'd just gotten out of the shower, and walked into the kitchen to grab a drink. Theonly thing in there was milk.
<Tigerlilley> Because I am retarded
<Tigerlilley> I spilt it all over myself
<Tigerlilley> So I'm in my underwear, white stuff all over my chin, neck and chest
<Tigerlilley> and my flatmate walks in
<Tigerlilley> looks at me
<Tigerlilley> and says
<Tigerlilley> "goddamn thats some scary de ja vu"
<Tigerlilley> :( |
#279301 (1597/1861) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<yoshi> Why someone just rode by my house playing a William Tell overture on a trumpet at 7 AM in the rain, I will never know. |
#4265 (1578/2131) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy. |
#305330 (1513/1671) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Hadley> PONY WANNA SEE MY DICK
<Pony> no, hadley. I am strictly in the vagina business
<Hadley> Pony: you should consider expanding your market! i have some brochures about the penis market, if you'd like
<Pony> why have more penis if you already have one yourself
<Pony> it's like buying a second iphone. it's pointless and not usefull
<Hadley> Pony: like the iphone, a penis lacks multitasking, which is where investing in multiples comes in handy
<Pony> then it's still overkill, hadley. the second one should be an ipad or ipod in that case
<Hadley> Pony: so... if i get the analogy correctly... you're only interested in a penis if it's twice as big as your current one?
<Pony> yes
<Hadley> THEN HAVE I GOT GREAT NEWS FOR YOU |
#297775 (1511/1779) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Pryoidain> Did I tell you guys my cop story?
<asaph> No, Pry.
<Pryoidain> Okay so..
<Pryoidain> I get hungry one day, and I tell my mom I'm heading out.
<Pryoidain> She tells me to pick up a watermelon from the farmer's market while i'm out.
<Pryoidain> So I do, and I notice the KFC across the street is open.
<Pryoidain> Being someone who pays very close attention to gas usage, I make the logical choice and get some KFC.
<cjk> ...oh boy...
<Pryoidain> Yep. I turn down king and flip the radio dial, and during my fumbling I speed up to 55.
<Pryoidain> King is a 45.
<Pryoidain> so I fly by this cop, who promptly pulls me over.
<Pryoidain> The cop...is BLACK.
<Pryoidain> He walks up to the window, and asks the question.
<Pryoidain> "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
<Pryoidain> I just...leaned back so he could see the watermelon and the fried chicken in the passenger seat.
<Pryoidain> the cop damn near pissed himself laughing. He laughed for a solid five minutes.
<Pryoidain> I then...got off...WITHOUT A TICKET. |
#302079 (1508/1696) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<+Toujiron> Probably best day.
<%Misty> What happened?
<+Toujiron> I have this felt super mushroom hat, right?
<+Toujiron> I wore it out today because I'm ridiculous
<+Doak> awesome
<+Toujiron> My roommate left his work boots at home and called me to ask me to bring them to him at work, because he wouldn't have time after class.
<+Toujiron> So on my way there, I go through an intersection I usually don't because I don't have a reason to go near there, and the setting sun is in my eyes, so I have no idea that there's a stop sign there.
<+Toujiron> I am immediately pulled over by a city patrol car.
<+Toujiron> The cop walks up to my window, looks at me, my hat, and listens to my speakers for a second which are playing a rainbow road remix.
<%Misty> Please tell me he broke down laughing
<+Toujiron> Without even asking me for my ID, he leans in and says, "Son, when there's a stop sign in front of you, you have to stop hitting the golden mushroom. I know it'll disappear, but it's the law, alright?"
<%Misty> Oh that's even better
<+Toujiron> Before I could even answer that he told me to drive safe and walked away.
<+Neo-Kamek> lolololol
<+Toujiron> I have never been so entertained to be caught breaking laws.
<+Doak> Best.
<+WingedBeaux> my wife just loled at that story tou
<+WingedBeaux> is there an opposite to f my life? cause that would be it right there |
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