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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..10111213141516..596Next> |
#33547 (846/976) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<JerryBeep> There are two kinds of jokes in the world: Jokes that people respond to by saying "lol" and funny jokes.
<BAng> lol
<JerryBeep> you bastard. |
#301722 (840/994) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> so, while my girlfriend was taking a dump last night
<Trinexx> I burst into the bathroom wearing a rubber Nixon mask, waving around a meat cleaver
<Trinexx> while screaming "I AM NOT A CROOK"
<Trinexx> it was hilarious
<Trinexx> on a semi-related note, I slept in the living room last night |
#227362 (840/1062) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<TheCheat> I'm pissed off! I'm hungry, bored, my gf's knocked up, and bitchy, i'm smoking my last cig, i'm out of wee, my d key doesn't work all the time and my internet sucks cus i have to use a cell phone to get on line, that locks up when ever it feels like it!
<@carnt> TheCheat: Hi! It looks like you're blogging on IRC. Would you like to: [Add Comments] [e-Mail this to a Friend] [Digg This!] [Submit to Slashdot] [Add to del.icio.us] [Commit suicide because nobody cares] |
#275427 (837/929) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< Corbomite> Which will allow me to spend cuntless hours fucking around in Visual Studio?
< Corbomite> countless*
< Vir4030> no, cuntless is accurate too |
#187397 (833/1001) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
osirisx11: i had an awkward moment with my boss just now
osirisx11: he went for the pound and i went for the handshake, and i shook his fist |
#12 (826/1447) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Moot> ok, here's what we do
<Moot> we break into AOL HQ
<Moot> and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica mp3s on all of the startup cds |
#183939 (825/969) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<&ScaryLptp> on my blackberry I have a turret voice from Portal that says "preparing to dispense product" when I get email for one account. I just stepped up to a urinal beside 2 people and had it go off and I couldn't stop laughing. surprised I didn't piss all over myself.
<&ScaryLptp> unzip, "preparing to dispense product"Comment: #shsc
|
#30241 (824/1080) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<jimx> Two families move from Lebanon to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet - in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.
<jimx> A year later they meet again:
<jimx> The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
<jimx> The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."
<Fiery_isles> haha
<Tarrasque> hahaah |
#303421 (822/1084) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<boikpark> The guy was found dead in his apartment with his penis in a jar of peanut butter, apparently.
<Sohcahtoa> Well it sounds like that guy...
* Sohcahtoa puts on his sunglasses
<Sohcahtoa> ...was fucking nuts.
<Sohcahtoa> YYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH |
#218444 (821/915) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Laxos> I used to work in a musical instrument chain store.
<Laxos> (We specialised in guitars and basses)
<Laxos> There was a guy who worked with me, kinda a geek like me.
<Laxos> After a few months of low sales the business failed.
<Laxos> Half the stores were bought by one firm, and half by another.
<Laxos> Both of them offered to take on all the existing staff, if we wanted it.
<Laxos> I ended up going to one firm, and this other guy went to another.
<Laxos> Somehow, we ended up getting rights to nearly all the existing stock.
<Laxos> Bit of a 'fuck you' to the other firm, really.
<Laxos> When we were putting these basses in the van, I go over to the guy and I'm like 'hey, all your bass are belo--'
<Laxos> I stopped because the guy shot me a look that could have killed a small animal. |
#78929 (819/941) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<riko> dammit this has gotta stop.
<Baph> ?
<riko> my stepdad's been using my computer, going on porn, and saving it onto my desktop with the filenames set as numbers so i don't know what it is and i have to click on it to check.
<Baph> I thought your stepdad was gay?
<riko> precisely. |
#157664 (818/1046) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<y-yeah> UGH one of our birds died
<y-yeah> how to properly dispose of parakeet corpse
<stynxno> toilet
<bp> blender
<duckstab> do you have a deep fryer |
#33036 (805/943) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@brassica> hehe my penis slowly rolling off my desk and when it falls off its going to hit my cat
<@brassica> err pen is |
#52170 (804/1382) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference. |
#187177 (802/912) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<steven> ok, burning 2 CDs and then we're off to the hospital to have a baby |
#230078 (801/923) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<heros> LOL, dude, I set up this little box on the side of my car
<heros> and theres a button on it with a sign, "Do not press"
<heros> and when you press it the car alarm goes off
<jeff> lol nice
<heros> so I'm gonna count how many people do it in a week
<heros> brb
<jeff> where u going?
<heros> car alarm went off |
#303847 (799/859) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Artifice> the cat experiment was a counter example created by heisenberg himself, to prove some guys were being stupid
<Artifice> Sadly, the stupid guys were "That's awesome!"
<Artifice> Oh, it was Schrodinger. Whoops
<ZorbaTHut> heisenberg's cat is the one that's either running frantically around a room at unknown velocity, or sleeping, somewhere, but you don't know where.
<Artifice> So, just a regular fucking cat
<ZorbaTHut> Yeah pretty much. |
#143212 (799/903) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<AllAgesDave> There are two seniors in here reading a copy of A Catcher in the Rye, and debating the meaning of the word "illiterate."
<AllAgesDave> One is saying it means "literature" and the other says it means "insane".
<Dre> :-[
<AllAgesDave> They just decided upon "language." Fuck my generation. |
#152145 (781/1025) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<jaminkle> my friends asked me out to a club last night
<jaminkle> and i said ill go if they are going to play good music
<jaminkle> they were like yeah its trance night so i was like ok sweet
<Wabbit98> and it was gay music?
<jaminkle> we walk in there and it was 80's night and Rick Astley was playing
<jaminkle> i got fucking rick rolled! |
#34873 (780/936) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<everest> the iraqis captured 4 italians, 2 americans, and a korean
<everest> they're setting up for an offensive joke.
<everest> tomorrow they'll force the hostages to walk into a barComment: #geekissues
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#162072 (778/922) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<LightFang> I'll be hosting a spelling bee.
<Stellaluna> CAN I BE IN THE SPELLING BE
<Psweet> misspelling "spelling bee" is an automatic disqualification |
#264456 (776/1024) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< bsmntbombdood> StumbleUpon has temporarily run out of sites relevant to you. Please sign up for more topics.
< bsmntbombdood> wtf!
< bsmntbombdood> i've run out of internet! |
#147631 (771/907) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<KleverOneR> Hey carol...
<KleverOneR> How was the sex? 1 to 10
<Carousel> Which time??
<KleverOneR> Add them all together, then find the average
<Carousel> Hold on
|<-- Carousel has left dalnet (Ping timeout)
<Dayvid> Division by zero is a bitch amiright?
<KleverOneR>... |
#303118 (763/969) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<fbcash> has anyone here flashed their xbox before?
<warbucks> no, but I once showed my dick to a nintendo DS |
#183648 (761/941) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Colin> Am I the only one who doesn't find the "your mom" business funny, by the way?
<Colin> as a parody of poor insults it might have been funny
<Colin> three years ago
<Colin> but you have been doing it for literally years now :P
<Asimir> I've been doing your mom for literally years now |
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