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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..27282930313233..599Next> |
#303849 (231/295) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Iridium> Alcohol is starting to fail me as a coping mechanism.
<PlanetDollar> drink more
<Iridium> Obviously that was my first step
<Iridium> but I can only drink so much before it becomes tomorrow, at which point I'm back to square one.
<PlanetDollar> smoke weed
<Iridium> I don't have the experience of smoking copious amounts of weed but I imagine there'd be a similar difficulty.
<PlanetDollar> you do build up a tolerance yes
<SentSix> I too fear that I'm going to have to start facing my problems.
<Iridium> WHOA WHOA whoa now
<Iridium> nobody said shit about facing problems |
#227397 (392/506) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
newts: This VIP branch is complaining that it's network connections seem to be down ATM.
newts: We failed them to the backup systems which are also not responding.
newts: We failed them to the tertiary systems (they're VIP).
newts: Suddenly it's mentioned that they're in the middle of a hurricane.
newts: Huh.
newts: Wonder if that could be the problem. |
#306819 (384/496) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<MisfortuneCooki> so i had this group meeting
<MisfortuneCooki> where several groups had to make a model of some new building that serves a purpose on campus
<MisfortuneCooki> my group built a stripclub
<MisfortuneCooki> a hexagonal stripclub
<MisfortuneCooki> and we named it the sexagon
<MisfortuneCooki> and we WON |
#190078 (392/506) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Calgary> !calc 42/12
-Vectra[22]- ** (CALC): 42/12 = 3.5
<Calgary> !calc 53/3
-Vectra[22]- ** (CALC): 53/3 = 17.666667
<StFu145> !calc 23/0
*** -Vectra[22]- has left #CalculatorBot (connection timed out)
<StFu145> oops |
#31807 (473/615) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<[NCA]Spank> I was pretty dumb about computers.
<[NCA]Spank> Then I learned you could get porn on them.
<[NCA]Spank> 3 years later I'm a system administrator. |
#23912 (508/661) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Alfador> 103. What is the fear of light known as ?
<DeeCee> liteophobia
<pentium166> sunophobia
<Shrubey> irc |
#31761 (403/523) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<malaclypse> The general rule on about people on IRC seems to be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two" |
#30241 (824/1080) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<jimx> Two families move from Lebanon to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet - in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.
<jimx> A year later they meet again:
<jimx> The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
<jimx> The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."
<Fiery_isles> haha
<Tarrasque> hahaah |
#27597 (450/584) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Nafoi> In our high school library, at the librarians desk there was a pair of scissors for students to use, to stop people from stealing them the genius had tied them to the leg of the desk with a piece of string, I wish I had taken a picture of this. |
#61602 (494/642) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Apophis> I think I need to trim my toenails.
<Apophis> either that or I'm a special kind of idiot
<Apophis> or both
<Apophis> my hand is bleeding from an 'unfortunate sock putting-on injury' |
#60310 (2434/3212) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<DarkArchon> She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit
<DarkArchon> Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
<DarkArchon> I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
<DarkArchon> She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
<DarkArchon> I told her that was what the beer was for.
<DarkArchon> I don't think she's coming back....Comment: irc.archspace.org 6666 #archspace
|
#90304 (2280/3012) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Jigsy> [10:37:19] <OD_Jonno> even the adults over 18 are soon to be limited to smoking in their houses
<@Jigsy> Unless a burglar breaks in.
<@Jigsy> Then it becomes his workplace. |
#311160 (49/59) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<oclet> i used to drink at work
<oclet> it was pretty sweet
<vorstyles> Then you tucked in your shirt, and became the man.
<oclet> bro
<oclet> i do not tuck in my shirt for anyone
<oclet> my wife told me to tuck in my shirt on our wedding day and i slapped the shit out of her
<oclet> i said "I'M A GROWN MAN I DONT TUCK IN MY SHIRT FOR NO BROAD"
<hep> im telling her you said that
<oclet> plz dont |
#310814 (47/57) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<robin> everyone knows that CS undergrads are an excellent source of enterprise-grade software
<robin> they rigorously follow best practices
<robin> use advanced version control systems like copy&rename
<robin> and nothing clears up a confusing section of spaghetti code as well as /* drunk */
<muffin> robin: I used to attend some of the local CS undergrad meetups while in uni
<robin> muffin: orly?
<muffin> At that time I was learning some versioning practices that were supposed to alleviate my project issues at that time
<muffin> Anyway, I asked a few tips on git
<muffin> And one guy first asked me what git is. Then proceeded to tell me that I should use dropbox
<GeneralAntilles> wow
<GeneralAntilles> That's pretty pro. |
#301221 (473/613) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<ccr> the thing about JVM is that it will almost never free memory it has once allocated from host. it has, at least historically, been a mistake to run anything else than one Java-based service per server instance.
<Chainsaw> Indeed. The memory allocation strategy of Java can be described in 3 words.
<Chainsaw> Nom nom nom. |
#296017 (284/366) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Ranbar> the old classic of pornstar name
<Ranbar> your middle name+ the street you grew up on
<Ranbar> doesn't work for me
<Ranbar> as it results in
<Ranbar> Frank Farm Route 2375
<Ranbar> Which sounds like some sort of unstoppable hillbilly cockbot |
#311640 (43/59) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<whitequark> i used to work with a guy
<whitequark> who was working on ruby on rails website
<whitequark> in dominican republic
<whitequark> and he was doing it exclusively on a mixture of cocaine and amphetamine
<whitequark> and i had to refactor his code
<whitequark> i literally asked my coworkers to give me an ice pick and an one way ticket to dominican republic as a new year gift
<whitequark> unfortunately they refused |
#297642 (236/306) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
[@pezdispenser] i have no idea where i put my wallet
[@pezdispenser] i distinctly remember putting it down somewhere last night and thinking 'i'm never going to find that in the morning'
[@pezdispenser] at least i was right |
#107683 (392/508) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Zyrjello> E-mail from my comp sci professor:
<Zyrjello> I want to be clear on this point, because several
<Zyrjello> people have asked me.
<Zyrjello> The release of HALO3, tonight, does NOT qualify
<Zyrjello> as a religious holiday. |
#301516 (389/505) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* nuintari facepalms
<nuintari> i never thought this would actually happen
<nuintari> I just had a customer ask if we used IP addresses
<nuintari> the ensuing discussion turned into him _demanding_ that we not make him use an IP address, because they made him vulnerable to attack
<nuintari> no amount of calm explaining was reaching him, so I start talking extremely sarcastically
<rm-rf> what would he like to use?
<brad> postal addresses!
<brad> maidenhead grid squares!
<nuintari> "no sir, you sir, if you choose not to use an IP address, what happens is, the data packets arrive to your computer on the backs of very small, hard working amoebas"
<nuintari> I disabled him from DHCP.... let him never get an address, and said, "but unfortunately, those little bastards have been on strike for years, your choices are IP address, or cancel service"
<nuintari> then I told him that this was by far and wide, the dumbest request I had ever heard |
#301631 (550/718) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
[Thrasher]: there needs to be Star Wars themed snacks
[Thrasher]: Chewy granola bars
[Thrasher]: C3PO Henry bars
[Thrasher]: and the moneymaker
[Thrasher]: Han Rolos!!
[Buchwald]: /block
[Buchwald]: /ignore
[Buchwald]: /delete
[Buchwald]: Goddammit one of these has to work
[Buchwald]: /kill
[Thrasher]: come on!! HAN ROLOS!
[Buchwald]: /abort
[Buchwald]: /put up for adoption
[Buchwald]: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK
[Thrasher]: sorry youve heard
[Thrasher]: you laughed
[Thrasher]: and now youll remeber it forever
[Buchwald]: I went to a sushi place last night that offered something called the "That's How I.." roll. And I thought that was the worst pun I'd hear all week. 15 hours later, you top it.
[Thrasher]: haha
[Thrasher]: "Han Rolos!! Share them with your friends...don't be Greedo"
[Thrasher]: too far?
[Buchwald]: I hate to admit it, but that line finally got me to laugh
[Thrasher]: Emperor Pralines: Your feeble powers are no match for the Dark NougatComment: Thrasher continued on for another five minutes
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#117620 (569/743) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
Evader: nothing beats a caffiene high when reading a good book
Evader: kicks the imagination into overdrive
Quixote: I'll bet a light dose of psychedelics would beat a caffeine high.
Evader: no, then the vowels would segregate from the union and you'd have an alphabetical civil war on your hands
Evader: if you REALLY fuck up, the numbers will come in as peacekeepers and proceed to draw out a year long campaign to 'resolve the conflict' while secretly stealing all the punctuation |
#258726 (56/68) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<AtoB> I needed an extra xp cd, so i downloaded one and formatted my computer. When i was about to reinstall, i found out that i had forgot to burn the cd... |
#152145 (781/1025) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<jaminkle> my friends asked me out to a club last night
<jaminkle> and i said ill go if they are going to play good music
<jaminkle> they were like yeah its trance night so i was like ok sweet
<Wabbit98> and it was gay music?
<jaminkle> we walk in there and it was 80's night and Rick Astley was playing
<jaminkle> i got fucking rick rolled! |
#305699 (54/66) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Erik> Alright.
<Erik> I'm writing a script that checks my instant messenger logs every couple entries.
<Erik> And if the ratio of Youtube links to actual messages exceeds 20%, it tells me I can't be friends with that person anymore. |
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