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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..19202122232425..599Next> |
#141217 (643/807) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<AgentRenegade> you know you spend too much time on your computer when you watch a clip of a website on the news, and instead of looking at the website itself, you focus on the fact that the station uses Firefox.. |
#310496 (46/54) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
danlamanna: god
danlamanna: watching cspan online instead of on tv requires you to sign-in to your cable package
danlamanna: I can't even watch my own government fuck me for free |
#142920 (2652/3372) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<paddypower> i saw these condoms
<paddypower> the inside is lined with some chemical that numbs your dick
<paddypower> so you can last longer
<Mongrel> or wear it inside out, and you don't even have to wake her up :D |
#306409 (248/306) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< iFarmer> I've come to the conclusion that the employees of my local library are idiots
< iFarmer> "Scan our QR code to browse our library database on your smartphone!"
< iFarmer> I scan the QR code. It says:
< iFarmer> "Scan our QR code to browse our library database on your smartphone!" |
#101461 (761/957) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Rendrag> just remember your car actually has to stop at stop signs
<Rendrag> my driving teacher only told me my wheels must stop rotating
<Rendrag> i took her at her word
<Rendrag> and slid it round the corner onto the main street at 60 with all four wheels locked up
<LDM> hahahahahaha, Nice one.
<Rendrag> needless to say i had to sit my test a second time :) |
#300501 (580/728) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<altoid> my cock is as big as snow leopard's :P
<altoid> (i sure hope snow leopards have big cocks now that i said that)
<Dave2> I bet you're the first ever person to say "i sure hope snow leopards have big cocks" |
#308081 (213/263) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<beeba> is this where i report issues?
<acous> you're nearly there beeba... in 26 minutes a short nordic man will enter, order a hamburger and leave without paying, follow him, but don't get too close. by the time he reaches the park he will have removed a pocket watch from his breast pocket.
<acous> then and only then, say to him, "dear lord, is that the time"
<acous> he will hand you a small red envelope with further instructions |
#304957 (418/522) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Bombs> you're Canadian. you guys live in igloos, right?
<Kirk> You're American. You guys live in McDonalds', right? |
#309978 (123/149) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<haq> i had this dream last night that i was laying in bed and i could hear someone saying "hey. hey dude. hey." from under the bed
<haq> so i whipped around and looked
<haq> and it was a crocodile wearing raybans and smoking a cigarette
<haq> so i tell this crocodile "bro you need to either put that out or go outside with it, there's no cigarettes allowed in the house"
<haq> dude's response is "chill out. crocodiles can't even smoke cigarettes."
<haq> then he takes a puff, blows the smoke in my face, and says "think about it."
<haq> so i wake up, laugh about it, and go about my day
<haq> well, in traffic on the way home this morning, i finally realize
<haq> crocodiles can't smoke cigarettes. they don't have lips, so they can't get any suction |
#310308 (98/118) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@swight> Ikea Bags Stuffed With Skeletons Found in Sweden
<@swight> good luck putting them back together |
#16372 (486/608) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Cyberllam> I want to get a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I am doing an excellant job driving." Then I can cut people off and they won't know what to do. |
#43370 (426/532) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@Brad7> nice, what did you guys end up decide for the babies name?
<+syndicate> corel
<@Brad7> beautiful name for a little daughter :>
<+syndicate> i told melissa and she loved it. what she DOESN'T know is that i chose corel because it was the first linux distro i ever used and got me hooked on linux.
<@Brad7> how the fuck did you get married?Comment: EFNet
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#51022 (551/691) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend? |
#77329 (544/684) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<jsz`> "Since version 2.0, AIM has included person-to-person text messaging, chatroom messaging, and the ability to share files peer-to-peer with one's buddies."
<jsz`> i guess before version 2.0 it didnt do anything |
#75146 (2579/3287) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
{11:59pm} <Killane> </2006>
{12:00am} <Killane> <2007>
{12:00am} <Killane> I've been waiting a year to do thatComment: Happy New Year
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#62011 (573/721) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Zok> One of my asshole friends got on my facebook account
<Zok> Because he has a key logger on his computer
<Zok> And I didn't know
<Zok> So he uses my acccount to post on MY wall saying
<Zok> Talking about how I'm coming out and shit
<Zok> And all my friends are like "well it's about time!"
<Zok> wtf?! |
#311656 (37/45) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Wifemaker> who else would love to be transformed into a cute little housewife?
<TungstenCarbide> what happens to the extra mass?
<leanna{NL}> turns into energy
<leanna{NL}> thats why youre a HOT cute little housewife |
#265195 (156/192) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Gayo> google added gif emoticons to gmail.
<mathrick> they did?
<mathrick> FUCKERS
<Gayo> "If you're tired of not being able to find the right words to express yourself in your messages, emoticons are here to help."
<Gayo> Oh Christine, I love you so much more than my crass tongue can ever express! Let me show you how I feel with this smiley face in a party hat. |
#303746 (326/406) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<K-ain> i got fired from blizzard
<pub|k> late again?
<K-ain> they dont like their own language used against em
<K-ain> but they said it was because of "poor timekeeping"
<K-ain> i was constantly late
<K-ain> i guess i crossed the line when they rang me to tell me theyre waiting for me to show up for work
<K-ain> i was like, 3 hours late
<K-ain> i was like 'dont worry ill be there'
<K-ain> and they asked me when ill be there
<K-ain> and i just said 'in blizzard terms?.. soon'
<K-ain> they told me not to bother coming in :( |
#103505 (665/837) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<tonyyarusso> So I just went and looked at my Newegg order status, and saw a message I've never seen before:
<tonyyarusso> "THE PACKAGE IS DELAYED DUE TO A TRAIN DERAILMENT[X] " |
#301716 (315/393) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
S: Cute coworker is cute
Mabbo: Don't you have a boyfriend?
S: I have a boyfriend, not a visual impairment |
#112827 (508/638) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
[carbine] My manager has a shortcut to "Show Desktop" on her desktop.. |
#311619 (61/71) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@Wilber> Activity on gimpissues: Shortcut Ovelapping <https://gitlab.gnome.org/GNOME/gimp/issues/2183>
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: GNOME: Impossible to get infos for GNOME/gimp issue 2183: 404: 404 Not found
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: Error: "Error:" is not a valid command.
<@Wilber> gitlab-bot: You've given me 5 invalid commands within the last minute; I'm now ignoring you for 10 minutes.
<gitlab-bot> Wilber: You've given me 5 invalid commands within the last 60 seconds; I'm now ignoring you for 10 minutes.
<ankh> hahaComment: #gimp
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#93971 (2490/3172) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
JonTG> wait, shit |
#302050 (643/811) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Beanuritos> No way, I'm lazier than any of you.
<zetatech> i was so lazy earlier that while masturbating i just pretended i came
<Beanuritos> ...
<MorkDB> ...
<Beanuritos> respect |
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