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#61801 (676/816) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<descart3s> i heard some chick tell another chick to shut her "cock port" today
<descart3s> i almost died laughing |
#61191 (559/673) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<AwwJeah> I want to fill a super soaker with cheap vodka and spray down other drivers.
<AwwJeah> Then call the police and tell them I think they're driving drunk.
<AwwJeah> Because, seriously, who would believe that story? |
#118435 (616/742) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Lemmy> : no body like's an grammer nazi.
<Harbinger>: *Nobody
<R4dbutton>: *likes
<@Voyager> : *a
<Shakur> : *grammar
<cyclic> : *Nazi
<Lemmy> : ...
* GrammarNazi ;-p |
#306405 (395/473) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<goretext>so when I was in HS, I would hack the wifi with my ipod.
<goretext>the school caught on so they started looking at the ipod names to try and figure it out.
<goretext>every 3 days i would change its name to "(insert popular girls name here)'s iphone"
<goretext> 3 of them were suspended before i stopped
<wedge> oh god, that's funny.
<goretext> it won me class clown. |
#300287 (677/817) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@Toba> Note to self: check new boxers before wearing. I just found a 'quality control passed' sticker on my wang. |
#95266 (2458/3002) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Skevin> At a former workplace, I tried to google for "python scripting trim whitespace". The page was blocked. I asked the owner of the company (who set up the blocking software out of the box) and he responded with "Animals have nothing to do with your job. Writing screenplays have nothing to do with your job. And I definitely will not tolerate my employees looking at websites of racist organizations." |
#302537 (87/101) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<sshinji> I've discovered that explaining hexadecimal across the table is a very efficient way to lose your date. |
#294563 (754/910) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<sereni> Protip: If you're in elementary school, and you're reading Euclid's Elements of Geometry, do NOT leave your geometric proofs in plain sight of ANYONE.
<sereni> *teachers marauds over to my seat, notices me writing furiously things that are not the required coursework, looks at pile of papers sitting besides me*
<sereni> "...What does 'A cuts B' mean? What is this about lines and meeting places? What are these diagrams for...?"
<sereni> You see, geometry is a pure science, and it also uses a lot of unambiguous terms. As such, a proof could be applicable in any context.
<sereni> I happened to be sent to the principals office as it seemed my innocent proof could be misread to mean that I was not only going to meet up with another kid, but stab him with a knife, doing so in a very precise way, at angles of approach ranging from 20 to 180 degrees, while moving about in various circular paths. |
#294521 (459/551) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<&qqhax> guys guys
<&qqhax> this is fucking epic right now
<&qqhax> so, my comcast cable box wasn't working
<&qqhax> so i went into the diagnostic menu to play with the frequencies
<&qqhax> and found the menu that lets you enable the dvr even thought i'm not paying for it
<&qqhax> so anyway
<&qqhax> i enable the dvr and reboot the box
<&qqhax> then go to the dvr menu
<&qqhax> comcast gave me a used box
<&qqhax> that has 120gb
<&qqhax> 64% of it is ppv porn. |
#303762 (247/293) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
< man_in_shack> anyone here good with configuring hal?
<+blast007> just don't give him two contradicting objectives and you'll be fine |
#10626 (1711/2081) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<CompuMan> The tragedy of Canada is they could have had British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French technology. |
#53737 (522/630) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
leet42: someone at the fortune cookie company has a sense of humor
leet42: "the fortune you seek is in another cookie" |
#62638 (1750/2132) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@mr_white> i think my friend has ADD
<@mr_white> turn up at his house today
<@mr_white> he answers teh door with the left side of his face clean shaved
<@mr_white> and the right side has a beard
<@mr_white> and the chin is just stubble
<@mr_white> turns out he was shaving
<@mr_white> and mid-shave he needs a piss
<@mr_white> so he takes a leak then leaves
<@mr_white> forgets to finish the shave
<t0ks> rofl
<@mr_white> that's not the best part
<@mr_white> when i turned up it was 5pm
<@mr_white> he'd shaved at 11am
<@mr_white> and he'd been out to town etc during this 6 hour gap |
#307795 (194/230) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
< craige> We officially stopped supporting ie6 at work this year
< craige> I think I almost cried
< craige> Not because I was happy, but because I now had a timeframe for how long I'd be supporting ie7 |
#301634 (677/819) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Ucota> So I've learned watching TV with pry isn't a good idea.
<asaph> Oh?
<Ucota> Well you know how he's gonna be a Medical Examiner right?
<Ucota> Dr. G came on, he flips to it
<Ucota> This guy had his colon contents empty into his bowels, he has a hernia, the chick is cutting into the guys scrotal sack
<cjk> OH GOD.
<Ucota> I know, but pry is just STARING at the screen going "I bet it is trauma induced hernial hemorrhaging that led to sepsis and that caused the heart attack.." or some shit
<asaph> did he even flinch when she said scrotal sack?
<Ucota> Fuck no, he was like nose length away from the TV, Like he was trying to see the other side of the camera.
<asaph> wow.
-!- Joins: Pryoidain
<cjk> Dude you're a fucking weirdo
<asaph> I have no words for you today, pry.
<Pryoidain> ...What the fuck did i miss?
<Ucota> I told them about when we watched Dr. G
<Pryoidain> Oh the Scrotal Sack one? That was cool. |
#87607 (666/806) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<+r4v5> so i just learned that hank aaron was black
<+aydiosmio> was?
<+aydiosmio> he's still alive
<+r4v5> i just learned that hank aaron is alive |
#294934 (720/872) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<mixster> This is the Internet - telling stupid people not to do stupid things is like telling a deaf person to listen closely |
#92276 (924/1122) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<grantk> What do you call a bunch of nerds arguing on the internet
<PetrDoubt> "the internet" |
#304821 (371/445) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<ackville> speaking of rediculous browsing habits
<ackville> I once saw a guy right click a link to a YouTube video, click Email Link, email it himself (default email client is Thunderbird), open Outlook, get the mail back in, copy the link, then paste it into a new tab
<ackville> had serious trouble sleeping after seeing that abomination
<ackville> I was tempted to intervene and ask what the hell he was doing, but I feared for the safety of my braincells |
#299631 (918/1116) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<skywalker> hi
<sexiann> hey
<skywalker> how are you?
<sexiann> luke, i need to tell you something
<skywalker> what is it babe?
<sexiann> i know i should probably say this 2 you face-2-face, but im nervous
<sexiann> we've been going out 4 a while now
<sexiann> and things hav been going gr8
<skywalker> yeah
<sexiann> and i think
<sexiann> i think...
<sexiann> i <3 u
<skywalker> i...
<skywalker> i don't understand
<skywalker> you can't have inequalities with imaginary numbers
*** sexiann has quit IRC (leaving) |
#298261 (535/647) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<fetsuto> before there was private browsing, i used to use internet explorer for porn so i wouldn't clutter up firefox's history
<fetsuto> now i get horny every time i open ie |
#302208 (533/643) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<erin> Dammit, Windows! I KNOW the program is not responding. That's why I'm trying to close it. |
#257924 (125/147) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Orbixx|Work> We just got hold of a workmate's phone as he went out on a break. We composed an SMS to all his contacts reading:
<Orbixx|Work> "I know your secret. Cant talk now. Chat later."
<Orbixx|Work> 3 replies so far.
<Orbixx|Work> He isn't back yet.
<Orbixx|Work> Brace for impact. |
#141584 (2461/3017) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Crucius> I had the best race home from work today
<Crucius> I pull out from work on my motorbike, and theres a guy on another bike right next to me, who sees me and like takes off
<Crucius> so I take off after him, and we're like dodging in and out of traffic hard out
<moxie> lol
<Crucius> and we stop at a set of lights, next to this guy on a scooter
<Crucius> lights go green and we're off again
<Crucius> doing like 120ish in a 50 zone
<moxie> lawd
<Crucius> get to the next set of lights
<Crucius> and like a minute later, the guy on the scooter arrives agaibn
<Crucius> lights change, and we're off again, but we get hed up by a big assed queue of traffic we cant get past
<moxie> D:
<Crucius> so we're sitting there waiting
<Crucius> and the guy on the scooter goes by in the cycle lane
<Crucius> and we just hung our heads |
#56416 (472/570) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<DietPop> ahahha my neighbor is a dumbass
<DietPop> a couple weeks ago he was getting ready to bbq and i was outside walking my dog, and i saw him putting lighter fluid on it
<DietPop> i'm looking at him and i say "doug i think you're using too much lighter fluid on that grill"
<DietPop> he's like "well the charcoal is moist from the rain last month so i need more fluid on it"
<DietPop> i could have told him that it'd probably do fine, but instead i said "yeah, you're probably right"
<DietPop> i think he finished off the bottle, strikes a match..
<DietPop> the next thing i see is a good sized fireball which singes most of the hair on his head
<DietPop> he freaks out and knocks over the grill...spills out on the lawn and the lawn catches on fire
<DietPop> i'm laughing so hard i could barely run over there and hose him and the lawn down
<DietPop> best day ever
<DietPop> to top it off, yesterday he brought home a new propane grill |
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